The Finish Line.

If I keep running for just a few more miles I’ll reach my destination and I will finally be able to sit on the bench and have a long drink of ice cold water. With finals coming up I am super stressed and all of my friends have decided to deem me “intolerable”. I suppose I deserve it and after all they put it nicely but basically, I am being a huge “Bitch”.

Its okay though, everyone goes through those times right? And there’s always a time when you just have to give in to your emotions and have a small pity party for yourself before you decide enough is enough and you get back to work. And that is exactly what I did earlier this evening.

I had a huge blow out earlier today. My final in forensic chemistry is going to be freaking hard and our teacher is doing little to help this situation. I left the class feeling like I was about to start hyperventilating. I have to pass this final to pass this class and By God I’m going to do it. I just needed time to convince myself that I could do it.

So I have been in the dark for way too long. Its time to just “Get over” my problems and move on with my life. Besides, summer starts on May 9th anyway, and I man am I ready.

[Confessions of A WRITER]

Death is Real. Plain and Simple.

This past Saturday was my first real experience with the dead, and it went pretty well. We had to wake up very early and me for our latent print class at the Health Sciences building where the cadaver lab is set up. I arrived early, awake and alert, because this was big. I am one of the many people who have only seen dead people at funerals, laying neatly in a coffin dressed in their best attire. Its morbid, but at least its the sunny side to death.

The people we were examining were realistically dead. No clothes, no cover ups of bruises and cuts, this was death first hand. No pretty pictures.

When we arrived we suited up in Tyvek suits with gloves, which basically was a one piece white plastic outfit with a zipper starting at the knees and going up to the chin. Then they told us to get with our groups and pick a body. At random it turns out that my group picked the most recent body, tagged 2008.

After unzipping the bag and analyzing our guy we started to get to work. Our job was to get a good 10 print card with his fingerprints. this might sound easy, but you’d be surprised. Dead bodies don’t move easily like live ones and peoples hands tend to curl when they die which makes it even harder to retrieve prints. After learning all kinds of technique we were able to retrieve the prints and actually won points for the best ten print card. Our palm prints on the other hand, they were not so good.

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When we had finished doing everything we needed on our corpse we went around and examined the other groups bodies, there were five altogether: 4 males, and one female. The last man, whom was deemed Walter by the pathology students was a little worse for wear. He was dated back to 2006 and the formaldehyde smell was slightly overbearing when you neared him. When I went over to have a look, I realized that he was cut open, he was the autopsy demo and he was missing his head.

Since this was my first experience I decided to get the most of it and so I poked around for a bit. Needless to say I have a better understanding as to where everything in the body goes and I’ve touch all the body parts. Today was the real test and I passed. IT won’t be as easy when the dead people I see have most likely been murdered and are of all different ages, not dying of natural causes, but it will be do able, and I think I’m going to love it.

Where Am I Headed?

Recently I have been concentrating on what I want to get out of life. I am unable to answer this question but somehow I have been deeply affected by it lately. I am just one year away from graduating college and I can’t see myself after that. What I’ll be doing, where I’ll be located? These questions that have seemed so far away recently have decided to slap me in the face.

Alot of people that I know are graduating this year. As they are starting to send out resumes in the huge world of job searching and the struggles that come with it, I sit by thinking this is me one year from now, and where am I going to go? The easiest of all the struggling would be to just stay in school. Its safe in school and easier that way because I’ve been going to school practically my whole life. Grad school would let me hide from the real world for a few more years, but it would put me in ALOT of debt and I don’t know if I’m willing to commit to it without some sort of plan.

So what do I do now? I guess I can’t really say. I don’t know what the future brings and that scares me because I’m much better at having a hold on things. I guess I’m just going to be confused about this for awhile and I should stop worrying about it for the time being, but it doesn’t hurt to start preparing right?

[Confessions of A WRITER]

One… Two… Breathe

So, today my professor decided to really screw us over. We had our fourth Agricultural Bio-Chem test today and it was pretty ridiculous. I have really liked this professor but unfortunately today it was not so good. He specifically told us that there would be like no photosynthesis on the test at all because he doesn’t know photosynthesis and he doesn’t personally like it. He downplayed it so much I barely even looked over my photosynthesis notes because we had to memorize the urea cycle, beta oxidation, and fat synthesis.

Sooo when I go into the test today and start going through it, I turn to the third page and all I see is a very long ad lib paragraph with 30 fill in the blanks. And I was like what?!? So I read through it right, and it turns out its a 30 question fill in the blank paragraph all dealing with photosynthesis. I’m talking enzymes, catalysts, processes, energy sources. It was ridiculous and my first thought was seriously, is this a joke???

I couldn’t even believe it. I went through the whole test and was fine with everything else, but this, this was out of control. I only knew two of the fill in the blanks, that’s it!?! Out of 30. It was terrible. And I was so upset because I didn’t know anything that I started writing your mom in the ones I knew I wasn’t going to get. How could this have happened? I had a B in this class and I was really hoping to keep it.

But… on a lighter note, EVERYBODY felt the same way I did, even the straight A students and my room mate who has like a 4.0. So Can we please get a curve here?

And I just need to breath and calm down, because it might not be as bad as I think right? Please Please Please can I get a B. That would be great, thanks.

[Confessions of A WRITER]

Can You Hear the Caged Bird Sing?

There she is, just sitting. Sitting on a stick in the middle of a cage that she has been imprisoned in for years. How lifeless she looks and plump, the wild look gone out of her eyes. They are dull now, the long ago feel of the wild gone because the memories are gone. Will she ever have that look again? The happiness as she flies over the landscape looking into the clouds as they drift in the sky and watching the dots below from the cars on the streets, What about the feel of her wings as they are spread wide and she glides in blissful contentedness? Will it ever be that good again? Her voice has long since stopped. The cheerful coo has dulled and gone out of her as she sits on the same stick day after day after day. Why are they doing this?

I can take it no more. She must be released. Quietly I creep over to her cage and open it up. She doesn’t even move because she is so unhappy. I lightly wrap both of my hands around her body and pick her up off of her stick. Her legs are dangling lifelessly as she succumbs, letting her weight fall easily onto my hand. Quietly I tiptoe to the door and walk outside. Immediately she perks up, the sun shining on her. I let her sit on my arm giving her encouragement. She ruffles her feathers and stretches them questioning if they have the ability to hold her in flight again.

She cocks her head at me as she stretches her legs readying for the the flight. Bending low she coos showing her appreciation and then lightly hops to the end of my out stretched hand. Spreading her wings she takes off glinding through the air she makes a loop and flies by me and then up, up, up.

I wish never to be a caged bird.

[Confessions of a WRITER]

Tonight I’m Going to Let Your Memories Fly

I’m already starting to forget your face. What you looked like the very first time I actually opened my eyes to see you. As the days drag by you are less frequently entering the basin of thoughts that gather inside of my head. You no longer stun me and make me catch my breath. I can almost thank-you for not actually seeing me, because if you had you wouldn’t have let me go so easily.

Excerpt From Evelyn… My Book.

She almost screamed with the shock that came from the frigid water. She shrank back but knew she wouldn’t rise to the surface, because then she would be a coward. Her pride was on the line and she was going to make sure she came out on the right end.

She snapped the light on and started swimming downward. She could see the massive city below, just as she had seen it on the surface, except it was much bigger now. She was right assuming that the kingdom was the only thing seen on the surface of the water. The city was beneath it and she kept swimming toward it and it seemed just out of reach. The farther she went the closer she felt she was to it.

Then she saw people, or creatures of some sort. They were just on the other side, she kept swimming but it was no use, she almost cried out in frustration. Then she felt a shadow fall across her face and when she looked up she saw the large figure of a big fish swim by. She turned back around but there was no city and no people. She started swimming upward but then she realized that she was the stupid one. The surface was so far away and she knew she couldn’t possibly make it there in the time she had left. She kept swimming anyway and was about ten feet away when the blackness took her.

. . .

“Where is she?” Conner muttered as he paced back and forth watching the waters. He had removed his pants, shoes and shirt and was ready to jump in if and when the time came. He held the necklace solemnly staring at it with regret. He checked his watch for the tenth time. It had been almost two minutes since she had gone into the water. He gave a loud gasp of frustration as he scanned the waters surface for any signs of her.

He was now kneeling over the side of the boat with the lantern, waiting. Every second that ticked by made his stomach queasy. He looked at his watch for the billionth time and it was now past three minutes. Then he saw the shadow with a big mass swim by and he couldn’t take it anymore. He set the lantern and necklace down. As soon as the necklace lost contact with the moon the beam of light vanished and so did the illusion of the kingdom. He didn’t think too much of it he was so worried.

Before anything else happened he took a deep breath and jumped over the side of the boat. As soon as he hit the water he started kicking and went downward as fast as possible.

He saw the shadow still circling above but completely blocked the fear out because he was so desperate to find Tess. A small light stared up at him through the darkness so he swam toward it knowing if this wasn’t her then there was no hope. When he reached the light he saw that it was the light attached to her goggles. He grabbed her arm and almost screamed with joy as he swam back toward the surface. As soon as they hit the surface he kicked to the boat and heaved her inside. She needed to get out of the cold water. He hefted himself into the boat with the little energy he had left.

As soon as he got into the boat he laid Tess out on her back and checked her pulse. She had a pulse but the beats were faint and far between. He then checked to see if she was breathing. She wasn’t. He needed to get her breathing now. If he didn’t get life into her, she would die.

After checking her breathing one more time he opened her mouth and prayed to God that his air would bring her back. He breathed in two breaths three times during thirty seconds trying to get her to stir. When she didn’t stir he repeated the procedure again, she was still not breathing. He checked her pulse again and by now it was a faint tick that happened only every few seconds. He was losing her and he felt a sickening pain erupt in his stomach.

“No.” he yelled and gave her another breath. This time he hit her chest with his fist. It was so forceful that he felt horrible after he did it. Then she started coughing and water came spewing out of her mouth.

“Thank God,” His relief overwhelmed him as he helped her to sit up. She was alive.

Woo Scientists. Ha.

You Stay On Your Side of the Friendship Line.

I think I might be emotionally frustrated right now. I’m upset because I wish I could live my life free of boys. Honestly. What is wrong with them, because I know this is not us. We do not let sex take over every conscious thought that enters our brains. My life is busy in a good way but I DO NOT have time to deal with boy crap on top of everything else I need to get done.

When I say we are friends. I’m serious. That does not mean be my friend and then at an opportune time try to woo me, because I do not wish to be wooed. And if you think you can do something like that you’re a jerk. And for the record I do not find you sexually attractive, I only told you I did so that I wouldn’t hurt your feelings. And now, I don’t care.

When the line is drawn you stay on your side and I’ll stay on mine. Do you know how complex things become when people just don’t abide by the understood rules of life. Why would you want to muck something like a good friendship up? Obviously we are on different terms here. Especially since you don’t like me like that and I know it.

So go ahead, keep it up and and you’ll lose your friend. I wander if you care or you just want in my pants? You suck right now. >:-I

[Confessions of A WRITER]

In Transit

There are definately some ups and downs in the “Get my work out there” business. Things have been at a stand still for awhile now. I did receive all of my letters back from literary agents. All rejections. But I have been so busy I haven’t had any time to get more out there. It just never seems like the right time and with the mail, sending things out takes forever.

Hopefully soon I will be able to get my voice heard. When the summer starts I hope that I will have a lot more time to send out query letters and all that jazz. We’ll see though. I have been perfecting the first three chapters of my book, because the first stop on my list is London which I have talked about previously. The Christopher Little Agency.

When I sit here occasionally and try to put my life into perspective I cannot see what I will be doing in the next 2 years let alone next week. When I get a job I feel like I will be very goal oriented and ready for any challenge, but isn’t that the definition of a workaholic? That might be nice for a few years but what after that? What about raising a family and doing things for me? Of course I might be single forever which would be the perfect solution to the most complex problem, but that’s not what I want.

How can I be happy if I have no one to share my joys and concerns with. But in today’s world it is so hard to find someone. I am single now because I choose it and because I have much more life to live. The good times are just beginning for me, and I am having very good times.

I can only hope that if I do get involved with someone seriously, I don’t fall. Hard. Because I’ve seen it so many times before this with my friends. And it is so hard to pick up the pieces and move on when things get bad.

My status as of right now: Always in Transit.

[Confessions of A WRITER]